Red Hot Mutha'

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can

i'll hold your hand while they drag the river i'll cuddle you in the undertow i'll keep my hand on your trigger finger i'll take you down where the train tracks go
let's wile away the hours let's spend an evil night together
we'll drink a toast in the torture chamber and you'll go down on a bed of nails we'll rendevous in cold blood i'll tie you up to the third rail
let's wile away the hours let's spend an evil night together
who's gonna make you a hero who's gonna blow you away who's gonna make you a hero hold it right there
it's a multiple down in solitary and you'll uncover the evidence shanghaied by a fishnet stocking i'll hold you close while they dust for prints
let's wile away the hours let's spend an evil night together
no need for cake or flowers let's spend an evil night together

they've blocked blogger, so now I can't blog at work, but no matter. Perhaps they're reading it and they want the system's shittiness kept on the D.L. They're still trying to operate the system like they did 25 years ago and they refuse to admit it isn't working. I keep trying to make it better. Every year I say this is the year that's going to make a difference, when in fact it just gets worse. Most teachers are either ready to retire, or they're so brand new they don't have a clue. Me, i got my real family to worry about, so i'm not going to waste time trying to teach parents at my school how to be parents. Shit, if you don't know enough to make sure your child is doing his homework and to show up at conferences, then there's nothing I can do for you. You're too far gone, and I'm tired of wasting my energy.

Anyway, I'm going to spend VD sitting around eating chocolate and drinking coffee, seeing as how my doctor's office is closed and it's too goddamned icy to go out. My baby boy is at his nona's house, and it feels weird without him today. Quiet.

My last message for you kids is this: Get your shit together before you have a child. There's no time for anything else, and you won't want to have it any other way.

so I was saving up for a tattoo of Saraswati. But I bought the Brum pedal Car instead.

His birthday is coming up.

Sometimes my mood goes black for no apparent reason. People ask me: What's wrong? and I know they think I'm crazy because I can never really answer them. It's not one specific thing, really. Besides, no one would really get it anyway. I guess it's sort of the sum of things going on: I feel like nothing. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me from cutting and running is Vince. I feel so isolated; and yet I can't really open up to anyone. I think that people who tend to gloss over or make light of these moods have never really felt quite like this. Without sounding totally nuts (too late!) it's like something sorta clicks in every fiber of your being. If it's a chemical thing, then this would make some sort of sense. Perhaps my meds have finally reached the stage where they just aren't working anymore. It could be the time of year, the fact that I try to teach art in a filthy little trailer where no one really listens to me anyway and I feel like throwing in the towel. I'm not an artist; I've never shown or sold anything and my LACK OF ATTENTION TO DETAIL is probably to blame. At my heart there is a restless unfulfillment and frankly, the hippie counselor has made me realize it all the more and made me feel even more like nothing. Then the day ends, and I get into bed and do it all over again.
Hey, gotta run, my fifth grade is here and I gotta go be PERKY!

I HATE MY JOB!
I just had to separate a girl fight. Much, much worse than any boy fight, these are. These girls still would not stop even when I was between them. Then, when I thought I had it all under control, the one picks up a friggen chair (over her head) and starts to throw it at the other. I caught it just in time. Then, the one girl ran away, out the door and across the field.


I can't take this shit. I supposed to be an art teacher!!

What is this?! I go to Walmart at 6:45 in the morning and they have NO Cars figures at all (I'm talking about the Turbocharged Matchbox-type ones, 'cause there seems to be like friggen tons of different versions)...I'm looking for the BLue Mater, of course, and I'm convinced everyone else is looking for it too. A couple a weeks ago, I almost had one. I shoulda just grabbed for it, but there was a woman in front of me reaching for it at that moment. I tried to use the Jedi Mind Trick, but even THAT didn't work. That's not the Mater you're looking for . Then a pure evil thought came over me: I should take it from her cart. Fuck! I've never taken anything from anyone's cart before. Fuckin'Evil shit, toys are. I did not take it from her cart. I walked away, knowing that I'd find one sooner or later. Well, Xmas is a little ways away; we have every other friggen car in the whole goddamned movie and NO BLUE MATER! (And getting the other Cars was no small feat either.)


Anyway, tonight's my last night of BellyDance until February. I'm really hooked on it, even though I think I suck. I can't for the life of me figure out how that gorgeous lil' Rachel Brice does undulations like that..it's totally not human.

I think I like bellydancing because it's the first thing that I've done that doesn't make me feel fat.

Cool.




"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that god's got a sick sense of humour and when I die I expect to find him laughing...."
Depeche mode (again)

you wear guilt
like shackles on your feet
like a halo in reverse

I can feel
the discomfot in your seat
and in your head it's worse

there's a pain
a famine in your heart
an aching to be free

can't you see
all love's luxuries
are here for you and me

And when our worlds
they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
It will be worth it

Bring your chains
your lips of tragedy
And fall into my arms

When our worlds
they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
It will be worth it

depeche mode